Thanks for the advice...I know that the best thing for me to do is sever ties with her, but I can't seem to do it. I have seen her go through boyfriend after boyfriend that I know don't care about her as much as I do. I have heard from friends of hers in the past that I am the type of guy whe would love to marry, but just not date if that makes any sense. She is going through some tough things in her life right now, and I just can;t bring myself to break things off completely. Yes, she hurts me so much at times, but all I ever do is think about her.

It's the type of thing, that yea, maybe she wasn;t sure if she wanted to be with me right now, yet everytime this other girl(who happens to be in my avatar) would be around, she would get extremely mad and jealous.

It is very hard to explain. We "fooled around" a couple of times without going "all-the-way", but I always hoped it would lead to more. I always here stories and know people that were "best friends" at first and then it lead to more.

I am very hesitant about the Match.com thing or J-Date or things like that. I have never used a dating service.

To use an annoying cliche: "she's just not that into you." Pining for someone who you have no chance with is a waste of energy.

I am also one of those people who has given up on the whole "finding a mate thing". I'll probably die single. And that is ok.

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"I think that anything that begins to give people a sense of their own worth and dignity is God."
John Shelby Spong

sounds like an addictive relationship. by continuing to hold out hope, you are deluding yourself into thinking it may someday work out with her. and in the meantime, life is passing you by.

sign up with jdate for a month and email women who appeal to you. you have nothing to lose but $40.

you're 41 now ... don't wait until you're 42 or 43 or 44 ... time waits for no one.

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Freudian Slips: when you say one thing but mean your mother

Same here, but I wouldn't use the term "given up" as I'm not sure I was ever really "looking," although I wasn't "not looking" either.

Although I'm single, I don't consider myself "unlucky" in love. On the contrary, I think I've been very lucky -- I've had some really wonderful relationships. I wouldn't go back in time and trade any of them (even the not-so-wonderful relationships), but I also wouldn't go back and try to make any of them work better. There are things about being single that I just like too much and know I'm never going to be able to give them up.

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---Shosh

To me it sounds like she is using you, and not just financially. You are her emotional tampon. She is more then likely going out with the exciting, good looking, bad boys that don't really treat her well, because she has you there to worship at her feet anytime she is self conscious. When no one else will put up with her s**t, is when she needs you most. She doesn't want to marry you no matter how much her friends say that your the type. She is just trying to get as much out of you as she can, without her having to give anything herself.

Get away from her now. You will never get what you want out of her and she clearly doesn't care how much it hurts you.

As bad as that sounds, but he is also using her in a way. She is still a security blanket no matter how dysfunctional the relationship. If he severs ties, he might face something scarier than loneliness - uncomfortable rejection.

Agreed, but the bottom line is he needs to move on.

And I'd suggest a new picture for your avatar. This one looks like you took it at a "gentleman's club." Not gonna win you any points with other women.

Really, it's time to move on. And also, your age difference is a factor. Maybe not to you but definitely to her. Most women in their twenties are not looking for an older guy. So when you do decide to date, please look for someone your own age. Or maybe (gasp) even a few years older. Believe me, if you set your sights on women in their forties, you will find them. That's because other men in their forties are looking for women in their twenties and thirties. So you'd just be competing with men in their fifties because they MIGHT consider someone over forty. Your chances would be pretty good, just based on age.

But really, get a new picture. Before someone thinks she's your daughter.

Back to the original poster and his/her issues/questions:


First off, that's a really nice song and though I'm much younger to have heard it while it was new, I guess I have an older soul because I like many such oldies! So thanks for sharing! Sad love songs just have awesome lyrics.

I've been in your situation. I've been unlucky in love and have gotten rejections or been used for my money, or so it would seem, hindsight 20/20. I believe I'm also looking for a certain type of girls, I'm not the most outgoing, and just sleeping around or serially dating without finding actual attraction isn't for me. I've gone on dates set up by friends but that's also not for me. I guess I just feel attracted to some girls who're on the whole nice but who're not looking for a guy like me... I'm successful, earn good money, I'm not a hunk but I'm not bad looking either, but, most often here in Dallas and generally in Texas, I'm not of the right race and/or the right religion, so none of the other things really count. Dallas is also full of pretentious people and its a huge turn off for me. Why am I telling you all this? Because many people even here in Dallas agree that those are all valid issues. Something similar may also be the case with you, and with other unlucky-in-love folks. Sometimes, you just have to change the scenery. If you're looking for love in the wrong places, you might not find any!

As it so happens, I have recently found (another) lovely gal who's in Philly area, and she was just here visiting. So we shall see how that goes, considering that I'm really looking to move to Philly soon.

The way I've tried to deal with my misfortune in love is to try and surround myself with friends, and to seek out those things that make me happy. If I'm happy with what I'm doing, I'm more likely to run into someone who sees me in my natural state and perhaps gets attracted to me. I've basically given hope of finding anyone here in Dallas, but that has opened me up to looking in Philly and sure enough there are more kindred spirits there. Perhaps there are even more of them of my liking in D.C... but I like Philly. So that's one thing.

Another thing is to try to not keep kicking yourself in the butt for making the mistake of falling for someone who either wasn't the right match or who you still think is the right match for you but who doesn't return the favor on their part...meaning, don't worry that you have unrequited love. That just shows that you have a spirit for love and for giving. Sooner or later, someone who appreciates you will notice this. I would rather still be a lover and not be bitter, because bitterness comes through and it's usually not very attractive. We all have our sad stories, so can the bitterness if you have any.

Loneliness and disappointment are very real when you want to be with someone but that someone is just not to be found. I guess I still haven't given up hope that I'll find someone and be happy again. I do still think about my ex sometime and it really gets me down that things didn't work out for me, but I've found out now that I'm a wiser man for having gone thru all that, so it was not all for nothing. Again, to cure loneliness, do things that you enjoy. Go hang out at a big bookstore and do some people-watching, if that's your thing. I would rather not go to a sports bar by myself, but heck, I'm single and most of my friends are married and they don't want to go hang out on weekdays, so I go by myself and try to enjoy a game or start a conversation with the barkeep... nothing wrong with it. And I really don't give a damn what "people" think of someone alone hanging out at a bar or restaurant. Ohhh, check out www.meetup.com.... there are groups for almost any activity. Join a few of them that catch your eye and see if you like what they're doing. Chances are, you will, and in doing so, you might run into other single people....

Hope things start to work out for you. I've pined for lost lovers and things never change. As someone pointed out upthread, life just passes you by. I'm 30 and feel old and wish I was already in a deep relationship if not married.... girls who think guys are just out there for a fling....they need to come meet me! hehe And there are many like me, I'm sure. I'm trying to move on and not let life pass me by. Best way to do that is to be with friends, family, and those who really apprecaite all you do, and for you to keep busy with things you like to do. Live your life, march to your drummer...let others do what they will!

__________________
New term of the day 1/24:
Electile Dysfunction: The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President put forth by either of only parties in the 2008 election year.
http://www.votenader.org/index.html


5/22, because i'm feeling punny:
As the great Jedi English teacher was quoted in saying, "metaphors be with you."

Although there was once a time finding a relationship and "true love" was a major priority for me, now I am serene and hardly give it a second thought. I have learned that there are disappointments in life, we don't always get what we want -- now I say "get over it, and move on!".

I won't lie to you, there were times in the past when I saw something on TV or heard a certain song - something romantic - and I would burst into tears! My loneliness and disappointments were so great I considered myself a real loser, a worthless piece of sh*t. But no more! I like myself and have learned to appreciate the good, kind and decent person I am. If someone had rejected me, it was their loss, not mine.

Phillyaggie makes a good point: 'surround yourself with friends and seek out the things that make you happy'.

Self esteem is so important. An earlier post suggested he wished he could lend me his looks. The cheeky lad!!! (and good looks is something I could use ... noone ever wanted me for a modelling assignment!) I felt like responding "and I wish I could lend you my intellect, sincerity, kindness, and appreciation of beauty ..."

There is some hope someone special might enter my life, but I approach life with equanimity: the world is so full of beauty and there is so much to do. To paraphrase the fictional character Auntie Mame : "Life is a f***ing banquet and most poor bastards are starving to death!" A rich, full and satisfying life does NOT require you be part of a couple.

Although single, I am not a monk. I have a couple of "friends" who sometimes come over for lunch, dinner or just company and we usually end up doing naughty things in the bedroom. Once in a great while I'll meet someone briefly ... well ... it's like 'two ships passing in the night'.

Want unconditional love? Why not get yourself a dog or a cat?

What do YOU think?

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"Do I contradict myself? Very well then, I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes." -- Walt Whitman, Leaves Of Grass