Hey, I'm looking for a little outside advice on a very touchy subject. I have been dating a guy only for a couple of months. His father passed away earlier this week. We are not particularly in a "serious" relationship but we do talk and see each other often ( I have also known him for quite a number of years). I did not know his father and have never met any of his family members. He was planning on taking to me to a "more pleasant" family event later this month to meet his mother and sisters. This unfortunate circumstance came up in the meantime. He has requested that I attend the funeral services but says he understands if I decide not to go if I feel uncomfortable meeting his family for the first time in this akward situation. The service is extremely private (immediate family only). If it were a public viewing and service I wouldn't have any reservation about attending because we have many mutal friends that I could sit/blend in with. This, to me, is way too akward. I'm not even sure exactly where, if at all, this relationship is headed. I feel that sharing such a personal experience with someone this soon can have either a positive impact or a negative one. I also do not want to send the wrong message. I care for him and very much want to support him in this difficult time. I have helped him with writing the obituary, and in making some of the funeral plans. (he asked for this help because I have just done such things when my father passed a couple of years ago). I have also been a shoulder for him over the past two days. Anyway, what I'm asking is this....1) should I go? 2) If not, what is the best and most tactful way to handle this situation?
Thanks for any advice.

If I were you, I would go since he asked you to.

I would go. You have been asked.

If the relationship develops, you will always be remembered for helping the family at a difficult time. If the relationship doesn't develop, you will have been helpful at a difficult time; how can that be bad?

You have to submerge all your normal meeting-the-family concerns. Don't try to make a good impression or small talk. This isn't the time for them to get to know you. Just be there and do whatever a family member asks you to do. Listen to the people who have something to share. Help the aunt who can't get up and down the stairs herself.

The only thing they need to learn about you that day is that you are kind and you care.

The next time you meet the family, you can talk about your background, interests and such.

Many years ago, I attended a funeral for a youth who was gunned down in North Philadelphia. I went as a part of my job, and out of respect to the young guy's family.

Recently, I attended the funeral of a grandfather of a youth I'm mentoring. I was even asked by the family to speak. I didn't know the deceased at all. He was the boy's paternal grandfather from Puerto Rico.

In short, attending a funeral at the request of the guy you date--at this time--is an act of respect. Nothing less--nothing more. It feels real wierd to be at a funeral of a stranger--but, it's not like you're there gawking or something.

Politely make your condolences, and remain alongside your date. You're there for him for support, and the family will respect that you cared enough to be there.

When I was married I went to numerous (in-law) family member' weddings and funerals; wife's cousins, etc...that were complete strangers.

Hey, it's a strange 'date'...but, it may strengthen the relationship you currently have. For me, it's the equivalent of going to a celeb funeral or the wedding of the daughter of a co worker; you don't really know the person, you may not even really know why you're there...but it will touch someoene that you are.

It's a nice gesture...and, I struggle with niceties...

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I think she's less worried about the proper protocol of the situation or message it will send him than she is about it just being an awkward situation (and it will definitely be an awkward situation.) If that's the real reason she's hesitating, its not a good one. Without knowing anything more than the information provided I'd say buck up and go. Its not like going will negate any possibility of moving on from the relationship in the future.

In fact, some people will attend the funerals of their ex's relatives.

-- dr c, weeknights at 8 on NBC

Go...do you really want to burden him with something else to worry about right now? If the relationship isn't working out, or isn't strong, or isnt' what you want, you can talk about htat later with him. But declining to attend the funeral is just going to make him wonder why you would do that and add to his emotional burden.

Since you've known him for quite a number of years, you should go for emotional support if nothing else. Since he's asked you to attend, he probably feels he needs you there. Just take a deep breath and try to relax (sounds crazy, I know). His family will be so pre-occupied with everything else, I'm sure you'll be the farthest thing from their minds. I agree with Illiniwek, you will have helped him out at a difficult time and he will always be grateful for that.

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Yup. Go and be supportive. Only talk about yourself when asked, and keep it brief. I've gone to a few funerals where I don't know the deceased well, but I'm good friends with the daughter, friend, whatever. Just do the traditional handshake/hug if they go in for it first, and say, "I'm so sorry for your loss" ask your paramour if there's anything you can help with, etc.

Later, if things get more relaxed, I found that a great icebreaker is to say something like, "I unfortunately never had the pleasure of meeting Mr. Deadguy. What was he like? Did he have a good sense of humor?" Inevitably, someone will then relay a funny story about him and think of him warmly, and the mood lightens a bit.

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I would go just out of respect

You would do this for any other friend, wouldn't you? You did mention that he had been a friend prior to the change in the relationship. Do it and don't worry about everything else. And dress appropriately, people just don't seem to know how to do that anymore.