NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
by Basil Fawlty (otherwise known as John Cleese)

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and other territories (except Utah, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister (the Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter "-U"— will be reinstated in words such as "-favour"— and "-neighbour"—, skipping the letter "-U"— is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell "-doughnut"— without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter "-Z"— (pronounced "-zed"— not "-zee"—) and the suffix "-ize"— will be replaced by the suffix "-ise." You will learn that the suffix "-burgh"— is pronounced "-burra"— e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as "-Pittsberg"— if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more "-bleeps"— in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

3. There is no such thing as "U.S. English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter "-u"— and the elimination of "-ize" as noted above

4. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit, or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American states will become "shires," e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, and Louisianashire.

5. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

6. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1, above. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

7. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a U.S. Rugby sevens side by 2005.

8. You should also stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "-World Series"— for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards, or hotdogs.

9. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. The first Tuesday in November will be a new national holiday, but only in the UK, where it will be called "Indecisive Day."

Thank you for your cooperation.

I knew there was a reason we left their country.

Oh, I don't know. I think it was pretty funny, the sports criticisms aside.

My parents always had me spelling with the ou and when I would get tested in school they would say it was wrong, and my parents would go nuts because it was the American verison that is wrong. I had to ask them to stop helping me do homework.

I think the u should be dropped, it's useless.

Gee, I thought you would enjoy creative spelling. :what_is_:

ROTFLMAO! Nicely played, Yunkster,

Anyhow, this could've been funny, but it starts as political humor and then sharply veers into the ditch of tired old cultural stereotypes.

Then again, what do i know? I find Fawlty Towers unwatchable...